What Is Our Definition of "Friend"?

I know this looks long but I swear it is really interesting!

I want you to first take time to think about what life was like before internet, cell phones and even home phones (perhaps for some of you this may be hard). People made plans months in advance through the mail and only really kept in touch with those who lived near them. It’s unbelievable how much things have changed in the technological revolution. For example, when cell phones first came out, there was a new expectation in the degree of allowance for someone to be late. Before cell phones, half an hour was the allotted amount of time without the other person being upset that they didn’t call. Now, with the use of cell phones it is eleven minutes; according to a radio talk show. This increase was just the beginning of many new expectations of actions in relationships. The internet has the ability to connect the entire world simultaneously. With a capability like that it is no surprise that social marketing and instant messaging sites have taken off and that it has had an overwhelming affect on the nature of relationships.

First lets look at Facebook's affect on our friendships:

With the new cool act of joining social marketing sites, friends start to expect more from friends whom they wouldn’t normally consider close friends. For example, the birthday application on Facebook creates an expectation that everyone who wishes you “happy birthday” is clearly a good friend, and those who don’t log onto Facebook that day you now have put your friendship at risk. It appears as though the line between friends, and close friends has been blurred together and we start to expect everyone in those categories to wish us a Happy Birthday (not to mention when it is your birthday the number of posts you get can also dictate your popularity). We have also started to rely on Facebook or cell phones for important information, like birthdays, emails, and phone numbers instead of genuinely remembering them. So it appears as though Facebook and cell phones have broadened the boundaries of who we call “friends”. Or as I think of it, they have desensitized our feelings towards our friends. Here is an example where we can question the definition "Facebook friend": my friend’s Facebook page was jokingly changed and one of the pranks involved changing her birthday to that current day. So many of her so called “friends”, do the important friend task, they logged on Facebook , saw it was her birthday today on their news feed and wrote on her wall wishing her the best birthday ever! She had around 20 posts of “friends” genuinely wishing her a happy birthday, although there was at least a few who knew it wasn’t really her birthday. What does this say about friendship? What we used to consider when we thought of friends should at least involve a minimum of remembering your birthday right? Because of our curiosity and for others our love of gossip, Facebook has provoked us to consider certain people “friends” that we wouldn’t normally. Lets be real, how many of us have friends on Facebook that you have only met once, have never really talked too or even possibly never met? We now have started to judge the quality or value of someone's friendship with the number of times they write on your wall or comment on your status. Facebook sparks jealousy as well which means more expectations. With the news feed application your friends can see conversations you have with other friends, and because of this they can see how many times you comment on their wall over other friends, or if you write others back before writing back to them. Your status is another prime give-away to friends that you've been online and not replied to them.

The next example I want to concentrate on with regards to friends and Facebook has to do with the number of friends you have. Most of the people I know have 400 plus "friends". You can't genuinely keep in touch with 400 people in my opinion. I know I'm guilty of too although I have recently went through my friends list and deleted those who I really didn't know, and kept some that I still didn't know but enjoyed seeing their pictures! This example I want to share was found in the New York Times in the Opinion section where this man writes about how proud of his number of online friends he had so he decided to throw a party and invite them all. Needless to say only 1 showed up and it was a relatively awkward situation.

Here is also a YouTube users response to this journal which falls completely in sync with my discussion:



It goes to show that social networking sites are reshaping our definition of friends, as well as creating these new expectations or increasing expectations in our friendships.

Now turning to MSN and other instant messaging applications:

These have also increased expectations in friendships by creating an atmosphere of constant contact. When your online friends often expect you to reply, and take offence or feel you’re ignoring them if you don’t (even if it is just that you stepped away from the computer). We always want our friends to know that we are there for them and listen when they need to vent, but instant messaging programs and social networking sites have taken this expectation in a friendship to a new level. A level where friends want you to be there "now" and receive feedback "now", where before this would be a once in awhile occurrence. I would also like to question the use of Appear Offline in the MSN status options? It seems like this category is a way to hide from friends, and only talk to the ones you want to, when you want. I guess MSN felt they needed to come up with a way to help people avoid getting into so much trouble with not responding to friends...

This image is a great example of the changes in expectations of friendships thanks to new technology!


I want to leave you guys with a couple questions:

How many friends do you have on Facebook and how many of them do you consider friends outside of Facebook?

Do you agree with me that social media sites and applications have increased or created expectations in our friendships? And can you think of other ways that I may have overlooked?

Maybe we should all reconsider what makes someone a good friend...